I went to visit my parents and my great grandmother (Who is in her 90s) yesterday while poodie stayed at home to work.
I arrived and my parents weren’t there and eventually after a load of dog barking, my great granny opened the door. It was so great to see her, it had been a month or so. Everything was fine, we were chatting away, and suddenly she says:
“So I hear you want to have children?”
“Yes, I do.” (Thinking to myself, why is this even a question)
“I don’t think it’s right. I don’t think it is the way to raise a baby if you live with a girl. A child needs a father. I don’t understand why you would… I don’t think it is fair on the child. It is selfish.”
Amongst other things said.
It took everything for me to be nice and calm and smile. (and in my head I was screaming out so many things).
Ok, it is 2015, I know that some people are very unaware of the incredible resources of the Internet, let alone use them, let alone begin to understand that my/our future babies will be so incredibly loved and happy and beautiful and cared for, and a hundred other things. How can you tell me that it is not right? How can you tell me, essentially, that my natural motherly instincts are going to be unfair to my future most adored beautiful baby? Would you rather have them drug addict parents who abandon their children or give them a lessor life, or two moms who love them so much and do everything possible share the world with them?
I am still quite shocked, it was out of the blue, and maybe these days, the younger generations are more evolved in terms of understanding and acknowledging people’s lives, love and their personal identities.
Sometimes all we can get is acknowledgement, and not acceptance. We take what we can get.
I guess I just feel that, whenever my /our future babies arrive, some people (in family) will not love them as I do, which is fine because that is their own issue (and it’s not their child either), but I feel discriminated against in a way, and it makes me want to show everyone that by exhibiting such behavior, you make it unfair on the child, not me. Why the need to subject such opinions which cause upsets. I am never changing my mind.
And why are people so upset that I want babies? It’s still a good few years away. And maybe they should first learn to fully accept me, and prepare theirselves for our not so distant marriage, because I think about that every single day.
Has anyone struggled with these comments? What did you do?
Meet Mrs Poodle 
I’ve never had to address that argument myself, but whenever I see it I get my feathers in a ruffle. My father was my very best friend, and I wouldn’t be the person I am today without him. But is that because he was a man? No. It’s because he was a good person and an amazing parent. The fact that people seem to think his only qualification for being a good parent was his gender is infuriating to me. It belittles the impact he had in my life, and belittles the impact same-sex couples have on their children across the world. Gender had nothing to do with my father’s love, and it will have nothing to do with your love for your child either.
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You’re right! Ah, I was just so shocked. It was out of the blue (I thought) – I am sure there may be more conversations in the future, and I will try my best to get this kind of sensible wording out as eloquently as possible, without being rude. I should practice in the mirror.
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Yes. Not to such a degree, but there is an element of surprise when we say we want babies. I’m sorry you had such an awful experience! I had a co worker say, “well I bet there’s a lot of nice kids out there waiting for adoption” a sweet sentiment, but filled with assumptions. I had a friend of a friend express disbelief when we said we wanted more than one child. Many people assume that we will adopt (which we may! But we would also like to carry). After my miscarriage, I was asked if we would “just adopt” (would they say that to a straight person??) I had a friend confronted by her younger, pregnant, straight sister and told that she was selfish for wanting to carry. It’s weird, because a lot of comments come from younger, progressive people and I guess I just didn’t realize how ignorant so many people are around this subject. I try not to be bothered and I try to educate when I can, but it does suck and it makes the process all the more difficult. However, I try to remember that their comments aren’t really about me, they’re about their experiences (or lack of).
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Wow, that is rather hectic. It’s difficult to imagine what it must be like to have grown up in a time where everything that is right for me now, was wrong for older generations for their entire lives… I mean, there have been serious advances in all sorts of fields and laws and exposure in all these years, but somehow it is left undiscovered by those significantly older because they are not in touch with the Internet, YouTube or a good book store. Television (aka the news) is not always a correct source of info… It’s difficult to explain things to someone who has most likely only broad stereotypical views and is not up to date… Where do I begin! I will wait for more questions I guess!
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I’m sorry that you had to deal with such harsh words, especially from your granny. I have never experienced anything like this situation, but the truth is, like much of us living this “alternative” lifestyle, there are always situations where people feel that they need to “speak their piece” about what OUR lives are like, or what we should do. Honestly, I’m the type of person who just shrugs my shoulders and keeps it moving because there is no use for their opinions in my life! Once I got married and my babies were born, I realized that my number one priority is them, and that I coulcn’t care less what anyone said about us, or me, as long as they are taken care of! I hope that your granny changes her mind about your family and raising kids, but if she doesn’t, you are doing the right and best thing for you and your family, and really, isn’t that all that matters?
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So far, no other incidences, but they will come I am sure! I just make sure to smile and show that I’m truly happy and I am not ever backing down! How could something that feels so right be frowned upon- baffling! Your babies are beautiful, and you are both making wonderful parents!! Those babies will always experience the truest most amazing love 😊
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Gosh that must have been incredibly difficult to handle. I understand people making assumptions and asking questions out of ignorance, and however annoying it gets, it can often be a positive thing that someone wants to educate themselves about ‘how we do it’ etc. But jeez, that kind of judgement is tough from anyone, especially someone you hold dear. I hope that things smooth themselves out. When I told my mum I was dating a woman, she freaked right out and said some old-fashioned things. But with time she worked it out. Xxx
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Eeeek the how we do it question is coming, I feel it. I’ve already been told that my granny wants to know how do you know if you’re even gay, what makes you gay… Perhaps a PowerPoint presentation will be handy. I came out to my family 5 years ago- it was super messy. Maybe it takes that long for people to see it isn’t going away and to tolerate/accept it and try figure it out? I must say, my relationship with family has been wonderful, but I still wish it could be more open and more progressive. (That though also comes down to how open family is to begin with)… I’m glad that things worked out for you- time is a good thing!
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